unsolicited correspondence

Dear Owen,

I heard all about the new girl. She sounds absolutely lovely, really. How did you manage to win that prize? And she and her dog already moved in, too? My, that was quick! It took you two full years to ask me. She really must be something! Especially if you still come home every night with that scowl on your face. By the way, I thought you hated french bulldogs? Anyway, really, congratulations on your new trophy / life. I hope everything goes just swimmingly.

xo,
Chloe